A reflection of my wife's motherhood identity shift. Words on paper, published by Rick Cremona.
Also, you must understand that I’m male, this sort of stuff is generally in our natural blind spot. Coupling the resistance to ask for help in one person with the inability for the other to see the silent suffering was a recipe for disaster.
Following the birth of our second child and an interstate relocation, Sarah and I began to drift apart, somewhat.
At the time it felt barely noticeable given everything that was going on, however in hindsight it’s clear that a major shift had happened within Sarah, and I was oblivious to it all.
I, also had my own “stuff” to deal with. Expanding to a family with 2 children, leaving a job of 8 years, and moving interstate had my mind and emotions fully consumed processing what had just happened. I didn’t have the capacity, awareness, or the tools to see that Sarah was struggling immeasurably.
This combined with Sarah’s nature to just ‘suck it up’ and ‘push through the pain’ made seeing the signs extremely difficult.
What we know now is with belief systems like ‘suck it up’ and ‘push through the pain’ is actually a coping mechanism, hence everything was being so deeply suppressed.
Also, you must understand that I’m male, this sort of stuff is generally in our natural blind spot. Coupling the resistance to ask for help in one person with the inability for the other to see the silent suffering was a recipe for disaster.
It’s extremely easy to understand how couples drift apart and begin to resent each other. Without the ability to understand each other’s needs, desires, values and without a commitment to communicate, we can easily internalise the perceived lack of support from our partner resulting in resentment and bitterness towards them.
If it hadn’t been for Sarah hitting a rock bottom (snap point) and having the resolve to begin writing and getting clear on what was going on in her mind, I shudder to think where we would be today.
The night she wildly took to the whiteboard, marker in hand with tears flying was the pivotal moment that absolutely had the greatest impact on where we both are today. That clarity, allowed us to completely understand what was happening and how to rise out of it.
It took time, though.
Four years later, we are on track to fulfilling the dreams, vision and wild ideas that were conceived during that night.
The benefit of quietening the mind, being still and writing whatever comes up is incredibly powerful.
Life and ‘stuff’ can be relentless, coming at us until we intentionally make it stop, just for a moment. A moment to breathe, to think and to reflect on what’s happening, what we’re feeling and where we would like to be.
The more we can practice this, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Written by Rick Cremona.