I had no idea at the time however, I carried so many beliefs around what a mother was supposed to be, do, have, not have & it wasn't until I found myself deep in the s**t, feeling lost, anxious, resentful & completely defined by motherhood that something shifted.
And, I'm not saying that I didn't love my kids. I just didn't love me enough to say I have needs & I matter, too.
No one is to blame, no one told me what a mother was 'supposed' to be - I created that story myself from experiences, things I heard & witnessed throughout my life.
I didn't know how to put myself first, how to ask for help or for my needs to be met. I wouldn't allow myself to step into my feminine energy & receive as I was so deeply amongst the masculine energy of constantly doing that the end of the night would appear & I would hide my head in my phone, not wanting to be touched because 'I had children all over me all day'.
I was completely touched out.
After far too long, I was literally forced out the door for some 'me time' & I sat in the car for a long while thinking 'what the hell am I supposed to do without the kids?' I felt lost - It had been that long; but once I found it, it was in that moment on the beach - just me & my headphones I allowed a part of me to be expressed.
To be experienced...acknowledged.
It began with a smile, a head bop & I listened to my body. danced on the beach like no-one was watching & it felt f**king incredible!
I found a part of me that day that I had been suppressing unknowingly, which was one of the hardest yet meaningful first steps to acknowledging who I was becoming & reclaiming my power.
So I urge you to listen to the que's that arise; if something moves inside of you, grab ahold of it & feel it some more. They are signs to explore!
Space allows presence - people cannot assume what you need, you have to ask for it & I promise you that to give to yourself is the gift you give yourself & others.